One of the best ways of preventing overload is to keep it from happening. Good personal boundaries are essential for this. In many ways, saying no is a productivity superpower.
Recent Experience: The Pickup Music Group
Recently I was asked to help with the music for a Sunday service. I had some ideas that would involve some folk music and would need the cooperation of several of our musicians, who had not worked together in this combination before. It was a bit of work – besides the usual learning of parts of rehearsals, one of the pieces had to have individual parts extracted from a score.
It took a lot of my time during a month that was already filled to the brim, but it was a success. The Sunday service went without a hitch. The group text exploded the next day with ideas about how we could all work together again and what songs we could attempt.
And when I say exploded, I had to mute it after I got 37 texts in a single hour while I was at work. I didn’t respond. I was tired from the efforts and I wasn’t eager to sign up for major amounts of work tracking down music and sorting out parts.
What Are Boundaries?
According to Merriam-Webster, boundaries are “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent”. In terms of personal boundaries, Psych Central has a good definition: “Personal boundaries are simply the lines we draw for ourselves in terms of our level of comfort around others.”
For those people who don’t have a grasp of how boundaries work, they take these two definitions and try and inflict their will and control on other people. As in the statement “I will not allow you to raise your voice at me.”
The truth is, we have no control over what others do and how they behave toward us. Boundaries have to be for ourselves, what we will do in response to a situation.
Wikipedia has the best definition of personal boundaries I have seen: “Personal boundaries are established by changing one’s own response to interpersonal situations, rather than expecting other people to change their behaviors to comply with your boundary.”
Forms of Boundaries
Boundaries can come in all sorts of actions. Sometimes it may be physical, as in removing oneself from a place. My boundary of not being sworn at or being called names means that when this happens I leave the room.
Sometimes boundaries come in multiple steps. Warning shots, so to speak. My first level boundary of someone putting their hands on me without permission is to tell them to remove their hands. The second level boundary is to take whatever physical action is necessary to free myself. I haven’t had to do this in years, but an abusive relative found out that when I kneed them in the nether regions when they wouldn’t release my arm.
Boundaries can come in much subtler forms too. One of my boundaries that if conversation starts up in our shared office space, I will pull out my noise cancelling headphones.
Fixed Versus Flexible Boundaries
I’ve heard many people say that all boundaries should be flexible, in that they should take the factors into account, such as where you are, how you are feeling, etc.
I call BS on that. I believe that it is important to have fixed boundaries that set a baseline for survival. As the survivor of a childhood with an physically abusive father, one of my fixed boundaries is that if I am in a situation where I am being physically attacked, I give myself permission to use whatever means to get out of the situation. Having these things decided ahead of time means I can react instead of thinking first.
For the stuff that is not tied to survival, I think one needs to have some flexibility.
If I am having a hard time sleeping and my husband is snoring, I will go to the guest room. Some nights the snoring doesn’t bother me – it depends on my mental and emotional state.
If I am overwhelmed and stressed out, I remove myself into my writing studio. The sign on the door gets flipped to “do not disturb”. Some times I don’t have go to that far into isolation and sitting on the screen porch is enough.
How To Use Boundaries
Boundaries are really good for keeping my level of commitments in check.
I decide how I feel about the situation, what it requires of me, and what I can handle at the moment.
This allows me to be more serene in my day, and keeps me out of situations that I don’t need to be in.
The Calendar Boundary Example
One of my boundaries (recent) is that I don’t say yes to anything unless I check the physical calendar at home first. This year at a glance calendar lists all of the upcoming trips, appointments, and major due dates for projects. I also allows me to visualize the lead time. After discovering that I was overwhelmed because people had asked me to do things far in advance, this was needed to help me see the load.
So when someone says “can you work on the church membership software?” I first ask for a scope of work and a deadline, and then I say “I will check my calendar and let you know tomorrow.”
The Boundary For the Music Group
Eventually the text storm died down in the group chat. I still didn’t respond. The threads where filled with “we should do X piece” or “wouldn’t it be fun to do Y”. As long as it wasn’t in commitment, my boundary was to not respond (and keep it muted).
Finally, someone said, “I want to do the big piece for the talent show on June 20th. Who’s willing?” 4 people said “I’m in.”
Even though they gave a date, I didn’t use my calendar boundary. I reflected that I really don’t like performing all that much, and this particular piece takes a lot of time and energy. While I don’t mind using my talents in support of Sunday services, I have no desire to exhibit my talents in general. So my answer was “I’m out.”
Yes, I knew I was disappointing the group because my part was crucial to the performance. But that is not a reason for me to commit to something I really didn’t want to do.
In Conclusion
I’m getting better at identifying my boundaries, and actually putting them into place in order to protect my time and energy. Have you considered boundaries as part of your strategy to living a deliberate life on your own terms?
